Thursday, October 20, 2005
10/20/2005 10:48:00 PM Y
Post title :
♥ You'll never know the real me.
=2h3n=
I guess whenever my workload gets heavier, i got crankier. Zhen arh, realli hv to watch out for your attitude wor. As a result of becoming crankier, d worst worst thing is to feel moody. Aiyo... Y like that??? Haiz... Actualli sch ain't that bad if i decided right from day 1 of the semester to work hard. At least, i din fail any tests so far n i did pretty okie. Well, some good, some not so good. But who to blame? IF only i DECIDED to work hard long time back. Anyway, there's no point crying over spilled milk so i m nt gonna complain more about sch work here. Even though i did not take GP, my tutors' comments for my essays are pretty good so far. Thank god. =) I m realli happi about my sociology mid term test (Not trying to boast), i hv got 26/30!!! Yeah! I din do v well for other papers though. Is okie. M trying to work hard now. Pull up my socks. Argh. 3 more essays to go. I juz wish i wun get many Cs this semester. Hopefully, none? Pray hard.
My head is balloon-ing. Heex. If there's ever such word. My head is getting bigger with lotsa stuff. Other than sch work, there's family problems that's driving me crazy. Pardon me. I m juz here to complain. I want to complain. I want to whine. Y, y my life like tt? Is okie that my family is poor, is okie tt i hv to handle soooooo many different things. All i want is to hv a healthy family. At least someone to care for me. I seriously look tru my life. I am so lonely since young. When i was younger, my parents doted on my younger bro, gave him the best all d time. My grandparents doted on my elder brother bcos he's d eldest son in my family. Me, received all the scoldings, hv to do housework, always being commanded to do all sorts of stuff. I hv no status in the family. My brothers are more "superior" than me so i hv to abide to their commands. I m labelled a lazy girl if i failed to do housework. I m a "tool" to show my relatives that their daughter can do well in sch. My family is everything but united, lovely, admirable, cosy, warm, u name it all. God, i want to complain! Y din i hv any sisters to confide in. Any sisters to share clothes with? Y do i hv to wear clothes that my brother cant wear anymore? I used to complain y i hv to use his old textbks. Y m i so unhappy yet hv to be strong? Y i m such an introvert? Y at least i din hv good looks? Perhaps that will be a consolation?
Instead, all my life, i slave, i carry financial burdens, i kept things to myself. God, i m so unhappy. I realli don't like it. I dun like it when no one sympathize me. I dun like when i was compared to be more fortunate than a billion other people on earth. I dun like it when i feel lonely. I dun like it when my attitude towards life is like tt. I dun like it when i refuses to conform to changes. Nobody understand my life fully. Except u god.
Things did change a lot better when i got to noe god. I noe there's someone who truly cares for me. I did my best despite my past treatment. I care for my family. I work hard to support sch myself. My concern for my family is truly real, god can testify that. I m not a lovely lovely person but i do little things for my family. I dun like it when my relatives look dwn on my parents. I wish my family can show me support and concern. Y issit tt i still hv to face disappointment again and again? I juz wish that i can hv a family like others, eat a meal at least once a wk? Do shopping together on a sunday afternoon, watch tv oso can or juz chit-chatting or even juz someone in my family to remember my birthday. Simple, nothing too complicated rite? But y is my family nothing like tt? I m so sensible n obedient. I do all that i can. I cant help it when my younger brother decides to be rebellious. I cant help it when my elder brother doesnt care about the family at all. I cant help it tt my father has to drink all the time, to escape? I dunno. I cant help it tt my mum has to lose her temper so often. They realli cant see hw miserable i m. I tried my best to be the best daughter, the best sister, god, u can testify rite?
I m thankful that i hv god. From the bottom of my heart. I guess i will juz collapse oneday without this pillar of strength. I noe i need to change my attitude on my life. Life cant be tt bad when i look at it from god's perspective. I thank god that he places me with friends so that i wun be an extreme introvert. Haha. Cant imagine tt. If i m such extreme introvert, how i m gg to even care for my family? Life will be best when my entire family come to know god. Praying for that day to come.
from: mini cooper's official website